The creators of Dwarf Fortress once created a comedy revolution simulator, and it’s time for heads to roll again

Yanping Fulsome died a martyr. I met him in the park right after I had finished beating an amateur magician to death for his stance on electoral reform, and our camaraderie was immediate and firm. His talent as a locksmith was invaluable, and together we were the voice and hands of the liberal revolution: one silver tongue and ten nimble fingers, capable of drawing almost anyone to his side and robbing the rest in the night.

But we got lost. Yanping took one in the left arm while robbing an apartment block in the city center (liberal). One conservative construction worker stayed home that day and became concerned when he noticed Yanping filling his pockets with jewelry and iPads. Several minutes passed before the DethSquad officers arrived.

The Liberal Crime Squad intro screen with a quote from Malcolm X that reads:

(Image credit: Bay 12/King Drake)

Neither Yanping’s nine-millimeter pistol nor his bodyguard Rane (a black belt martial artist with whom I flirted so much that he devoted himself to a life of terrorism) could stand against them. Rane went down first, and Yanping—gentle, sentimental Yanping—wasted his time dragging his body to the elevator before succumbing to his wounds, one push of a button away from running away. I replaced him with a 46-year-old soccer coach named Donovan. Donovan sells pot cookies to support a cause instead of dying in an elevator shaft. We actually make more money now.

We need a slogan!

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